It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Or...is it??

Well the answer for me, is NO.

There’s very little snow on the ground, which is NOT a complaint, it just simply doesn’t feel like Christmas to me without snow…watch, Christmas will be the whitest Christmas in my lifetime…

There’s very little cheer this year.  I’m speaking very generally here, though there isn’t much cheer in my life or family, I’ll touch on that later.  I don’t know if it’s just me being more observant and I’m just noticing it more this year, or if it truly is worse this year more than years past, but I just feel very little Christmas cheer coming from people.  I hear/see people rushing to toy stores for the best deals, or trying to get the best toys for their money, or trying to appease everyone on their list by getting them every single toy or item regardless of price.  I hear and see people pepper spraying other shoppers for cutting in line, or simply getting to the store before them.  I can’t help but stop dead in my tracks and think to myself “is THIS was Christmas has become about?!”.  Sadly the answer is a large yes.  I know that not everyone shops in this way or treats people this way, but Christmas has become about so much more than what it should really be about.  

I am not just talking about from a religious stand point either.  I make no bones about my beliefs and I obviously believe that Christmas is about the birth of Christ.  However, I believe that we can ALL agree on the fact that regardless of whether we believe in Christ, or even God, or not, Christmas is supposed to be about family.  When I say it’s about family I mean, spending time with them, baking cookies, making ornaments, decorating the tree, lighting the menorah, telling family stories, snow ball fights, hot cocoa, caroling, all that stuff that we grew up thinking was just SO lame and tedious and boring.  It is NOT about who got who what “great” gift and how much they spent (or saved) on it, or how long they had to stand in line for it or whatever. 

Now I’m not faulting people for getting great deals on great presents, not at ALL.  I commend you.  I am also saying that you should stop giving people gifts, etc.  I am simply voicing my opinion about how over done it has all been and how over commercialized Christmas has become.  If my son was older and he had asked for something that I thought he truly needed or deserved and I could get a great deal on it, I would definitely do it.  But I have NEVER been one of those people to get up at 4 a.m. to go shopping on Black Friday…never plan on being one of those people. 

It just all frustrates me a little that people make the holiday season from November 1^st to December 31^st (and sometimes beyond) so hectic and stressful for themselves…and other people in their families (speaking from experience as a recent divorcee from a family that expected us to be everywhere that they were just because they wanted us there, and then made plans for travelling all over the state, and expected us to follow suit).  I will say this, I believe 100% that the holidays are only as stressful and hectic as you make or let them be.

NOW- it also doesn’t feel like Christmas to me because this is the first Christmas that I won’t have my grandparents for.  I do still have grandparents on my mom’s side, but we have never been close, and have done Christmas in January for years now.

My grandparents on my dad’s side have long been considered the glue to the family.  This has become completely obvious in recent months and in light of recent events.  Without delving into detail (because there’s enough drama in my life for you to read about here, and because I would like to stay out of trouble if anything “comes to light” and is misconstrued), my dad had four siblings, two of them are married, making six…pretty much those six have ganged up on my dad (and my brother, me, and my son) and are being hurtful, spiteful, and downright mean over things such as my grandparents estate.  (We didn’t even get an invite to the “family” Thanksgiving this year, the only reason we got one last year was because my grandma threw a fit that no one had called my dad to make sure he knew when and where it was.)

If I believed at all that my grandparents could care about what was going on I firmly believe that this would all make them sick to their stomachs…and I wouldn’t doubt that they would be paying visits to all six of them.  Not just because of us being attacked and left out (us as in me, my dad, my brother, and my son), but because those six are doing things that my grandparents would be ashamed of, and they know it.   It just sickens me that I’m related to people that can say and do the things that they have done, and be as hypocritical as they have.  I digress though, because they are not worth dwelling on. 

Not having Christmas Eve at my grandparents’ house seems sacrilegious or something…not REALLY, but it’s been a tradition for so long to have family Christmas with my grandparents on Christmas Eve.  We had moved it to my aunts a couple of years ago due to space, I mean you have 16 grandchildren (12 of which have spouses/significant others = 38 grand kids, plus the 5 kids and 2 spouses, 4 adopted…that alone with my grandparents is 51 people that could possibly show up) and then an additional 10 great grandchildren that may be there…we’re looking at the possibility of 60+ people being there…usually it was only around 25ish, but there’s potential for a LARGE crowd.  Unfortunately out of those 60+ people…chances are I will only be talking to MAYBE 30 of them, most of them Facebook only…  THAT my friends, is apparently what happens when people die, people get angry, and bitter, and selfish, and greedy. And don’t care who they hurt in the process.

All in all though, not having my grandparents here is what really hurts.  I remember going caroling with them and the youth group they used to run when I was roughly 8.  I remember making rock candy with my grandma every year, and the way it made the house smell…it’s something that I was debating on making this year, but I have looked at oils no less than 5 times and every time I am thinking about which flavor to get, I find myself putting it back on the shelf, because making it without Grandma’s expertise, well it just isn’t making rock candy to me.  And celebrating Christmas without my grandparents…I can’t bring myself to celebrate much of it at all right now…

"I wish I could slow down time..."

That's the song lyric that's been stuck in my head for the last hour or so since I decided I was going to force myself to sit down and update, and update GOOD.  There's a lot to cover, and I need to get it done with.

Part of the drama, heartbreak, and sheer crazyness that has happened since the June 30th posting about closure, is that my Grandpa passed away.  Yes the husband to the grandma I lost in May.  They were together for 60 years, and though there were various contributors to the death of my grandpa, I think ultimately he just died of a broken heart. 

I will admit, for quite some time I wanted to as well.  I still find myself overcome with greif at random times of random days.  I still sob myself to sleep over never being able to see them on Earth again.  I am devestated that I don't have them to consult on life's big issues, complaint to about the little things, to get their opinion on anything, to pray for me, to laugh with, to just sit with and watch Wheel Of Fortune. 

BUT- the simple fact that I have those memories, and the greater fact that they mean so much to me that I simply want to cry when thinking of them, is such a blessing.  I know many people who never knew their grandparents.  I am finding that I know even fewer people that have relationships similar to mine was with my grandparents, at all.  The fact that I was blessed with 27 short years with those two amazing people, makes me so greatful. 

I am heartbroken that my precious son doesn't get the same experiences that I did with them.  Between my dad and I we are trying to keep some of those experiences going; we're trying to keep their house in the family so he can experience growing up there as well.  It's bittersweet now to be in the house.  It's still one of the few places that I feel truly at peace, but the vivid memories I have of my grandparents there are almost haunting. 

The most heartbreaking thing about it all is the connection that my son had with both of them.  Knowing that connection is never going to be broken gives me peace; but knowing that the form it has now taken is so distant, hurts.  I know that they're checking in on him periodically.  And I know that they always will.  I just can't help but hate that he won't be able to hug them again. 

Gramps passed while I was at a women's retreat through my church.  I told two pastor's wives that I can't be angry about God calling my grandpa home, but I don't have to like it.  I hate it most days.
I hate that they were at my first wedding, and how big of a mess that was and how big of a joke that marriage turned out to be...and that they'll never be able to physically meet my next husband.  They won't be at that wedding.
I hate that neither I nor my son will ever get to hug them again.  We'll never get to hold their hands; hear them laugh; see their smile. 

I will see them again one day though.  And I am overjoyed at that thought.  I believe that they are in Heaven, and that they will meet me when I get there.  And I can't think of a better couple of people to meet me than them.