Today I'm thanful for random thoughts...and/or what I like to call "lightbulb moments".
I had a lightbulb moment a couple weeks ago that made me really excited. I realized that with the degree I'm going to school for, Bachelors in Human Services (aka social work), that I can basically work for any company that provides or facilitates basic human services to their employees, (mental health programs, any type of casework or management, etc)...and I realized the other day that, theoretically, there is a potential that I could find a way to work with the Detroit Tigers. Now I said theoretically, of course, because there is no garauntee that there is any type of program in that club that I could work for, but I like to aim high and keep my hopes up. And baseball year round would be AAAAWWWWEEEESSSOOOMMMMEEEE. hehe.
The other random thought/lightbulb moment I'm thankful for is that I realized, as badly as I want a husband, I know the timing isn't right, but I realized that one of the reasons the timing isn't right is because I'm not ready to be in a marriage again just yet. I am not ready to be in a relationship, because I tend to lose my 'self' in relationships. I take on habits and desires of the other person. And then ultimately if that relationship ends or changes, I am lost because I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore. When I can keep my sense of self in a relationship, then I can have one again. I have a really good idea of what my sense of self is right now, but I'm still learning and growing in that. I think that if I were in a relationship right now, and it were to end though, I'm pretty sure I'd be back in the same spot I was when my ex left. I had NO idea of who I was, was supposed to be, or what I could be.
So, thanks God for revealing these things to me. :)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
yeah, yeah
yeah I know that I blew that whole keeping a daily thankfulness journal thing. Oops. Oh well...I'm still thankful for a LOT. I just haven't had a chance (good or bad) to sit down and reflect.
So tonight is no different. haha
Tonight is different.
I was listening to a Sugarland song early, Take Me As I Am, and there is a line in that song that says "we all live with the scars we choose, they might hurt like hell, but they all make us stronger". I've always been struck by that line. And I truly believed it for a while. Then through various events, I thought it was wrong. I know that there are outside forces that scar us without our permission. There are people, things, words, that all leave marks on us and hurt us for the rest of our lives without asking if we choose them.
I was struck again tonight by that line. And the thought of, 'maybe it IS our choice'. Even if we aren't choosing WHAT scars us, we are choosing to LET that be a scar. We get to decide how deeply we continue to let things affect our lives. We get to decide how we react to things in our lives. When everyhing is absolutely out of control and out of our hands, THAT is what is still in our control.
We get to decide if the scrape on our knees leaves a giant, raised, hideous mark, or if it's barely noticable. We get to decide if our recovery is miserable, horrible, or if we can tolerate it. We get to decide how long it takes to come out on the other side of our earth shattering circumstances. We won't see it until we're ready and able, but we DO get to decide.
I have been through HELL in the past three years...I have litterally laid on the kitchen floor crying because my earth was shattering around me. I have pulled over to the side of the road, or into the Walmart parking lot because I could see or breathe from crying. I have understood why people do unthinkable things. I have fought until my heart was bruised, and then fought some more. I have picked myself up, only to fall back down again.
But I got to CHOOSE whether or not I got back up again. I got to choose to lay on that kitchen floor. I CHOSE to get up. I CHOSE to fight. I CHOOSE everyday to be joyful and not let myself go back down that rabbit hole. I GET TO CHOOSE. I WILL choose.
I choose to make my scars less visible. I choose to stop giving things power in my life. I choose to be positive. I choose to LIVE as an active participant in my life, not a spectator on the sidelines.
What will you choose?
So tonight is no different. haha
Tonight is different.
I was listening to a Sugarland song early, Take Me As I Am, and there is a line in that song that says "we all live with the scars we choose, they might hurt like hell, but they all make us stronger". I've always been struck by that line. And I truly believed it for a while. Then through various events, I thought it was wrong. I know that there are outside forces that scar us without our permission. There are people, things, words, that all leave marks on us and hurt us for the rest of our lives without asking if we choose them.
I was struck again tonight by that line. And the thought of, 'maybe it IS our choice'. Even if we aren't choosing WHAT scars us, we are choosing to LET that be a scar. We get to decide how deeply we continue to let things affect our lives. We get to decide how we react to things in our lives. When everyhing is absolutely out of control and out of our hands, THAT is what is still in our control.
We get to decide if the scrape on our knees leaves a giant, raised, hideous mark, or if it's barely noticable. We get to decide if our recovery is miserable, horrible, or if we can tolerate it. We get to decide how long it takes to come out on the other side of our earth shattering circumstances. We won't see it until we're ready and able, but we DO get to decide.
I have been through HELL in the past three years...I have litterally laid on the kitchen floor crying because my earth was shattering around me. I have pulled over to the side of the road, or into the Walmart parking lot because I could see or breathe from crying. I have understood why people do unthinkable things. I have fought until my heart was bruised, and then fought some more. I have picked myself up, only to fall back down again.
But I got to CHOOSE whether or not I got back up again. I got to choose to lay on that kitchen floor. I CHOSE to get up. I CHOSE to fight. I CHOOSE everyday to be joyful and not let myself go back down that rabbit hole. I GET TO CHOOSE. I WILL choose.
I choose to make my scars less visible. I choose to stop giving things power in my life. I choose to be positive. I choose to LIVE as an active participant in my life, not a spectator on the sidelines.
What will you choose?
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Day 10
Well I'm sitting at the Drs office waiting to get a flu shot, and while I know that I should be thankful for this "luxury"...that's not it. And I don't consider a needle poking me a luxury unless it's repeatedly and putting ink permanently in my skin. :-D
I'm thankful for the years that were shed in the parking lot of Walmart not 30 minutes ago.
"she's thankful for CRYING?!?" I can hear you saying...and the short answer is yes.
I had a moment walking back to my car when I saw a cute old couple that reminded me just enough of my grandparents that it made me miss them. I miss seeing them. Hugging them. I miss the smell of their house. The feeling of being at home in their house.
I'm not even allowed on the property anymore. The property that I grew up on. That was home for so, so long. That I still want to be home.
So, yeah I'm thankful for crying. I'm thankful for it because it means that I have amazing memories of truly amazing people. That my life was affected so deeply by their love that, almost two years later, I'm still saddened by their deaths. That I got to experience the most amazing kind of love, a love that can't be topped by much on earth.
Yeah...I'm thankful for that.
day 9
after spending an obnoxious $160 on my Sociology book for this quarter...I'm thankful for financial aide. haha.
No in all honesty, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be getting an education. Bub kept asking me why I had to go to class today...it's funny how important things become when you have to break them down to their most simplistic ideas. I am trying to make a better life for us, and to be able to help other people.
And I am thankful that I am where I need to be for that education, and to be able to help those people. Switching from being an education major to being a human services major has been the most amazing decision I've made regarding my life path. Thanks God for leading me here.
No in all honesty, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be getting an education. Bub kept asking me why I had to go to class today...it's funny how important things become when you have to break them down to their most simplistic ideas. I am trying to make a better life for us, and to be able to help other people.
And I am thankful that I am where I need to be for that education, and to be able to help those people. Switching from being an education major to being a human services major has been the most amazing decision I've made regarding my life path. Thanks God for leading me here.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
5, 6, 7, 8
nope, not counting off music...I didn't get a chance to write anything down for those days or blog anything for them. oops.
In general I've been trying to keep an attitude of thankfulness, and staying positive. And so far I've been able to do that. So I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that in the midst of being sick, and busy with school, and having a higher stress level again, and being impatient (about a certain area of my life)...even with all that, I have just wanted to walk or work out.
That's awesome. I did want M&M's really bad tonight, but mostly I've just wanted to be able to go work my a$$ off on the eliptical...that's amazing. I classically deal with stress by wanting sugar. LOTS of sugar. This is going to be a great year! :-)
In general I've been trying to keep an attitude of thankfulness, and staying positive. And so far I've been able to do that. So I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that in the midst of being sick, and busy with school, and having a higher stress level again, and being impatient (about a certain area of my life)...even with all that, I have just wanted to walk or work out.
That's awesome. I did want M&M's really bad tonight, but mostly I've just wanted to be able to go work my a$$ off on the eliptical...that's amazing. I classically deal with stress by wanting sugar. LOTS of sugar. This is going to be a great year! :-)
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Grace
Day 4.
I'm thankful for grace. God's grace is amazing. I had an encounter with the ex tonight that I didn't handle with the grace that I should have, for various reasons. But God understands...and forgives my over reactions and sarcasm and hate and bitterness that creeps in. And I am beyond thankful for that.
I'm also thankfulfor the growth I've experienced in the last year. Had the encounter tonight happened even a year ago...it would have been a completely different situation. I wouldn't have kept my cool at all, and it would have resulted in a huge fight (a fight that would have been justified...but not a fight that would have taken the appropriate avenue or had a god outcome). And because of that same growth I was able to move on from my anger at a much faster rate than I have in the past. Thanks God.
Friday, January 4, 2013
thankful
I didn't get to blog yesterday, but posted on my personal facebook that Day 2 of my thankfulness journal thingy, whatever I decide to call it, was that I was just thankful. Specifically for God's peace and patience, without both I'd surely go crazy.
Today...well yesterday (but I am one of those people who considers it still 'today' until I go to sleep, and it's not tomorrow until I wake up for the day lol) Day 3, I am just overcome with gratitude for God's faithfulness.
I posted a couple days ago about goals I have set for 2013. I left one off the list. My main, most important goal this year is to grow closer to God and have a more intimate relationship with Him. I re-dedicated my life to Christ almost two years ago now, and just recently in the past six-ish months have found that hunger for Him, and a need and desire to know Him more.
I want so desperately to become a Godly woman, mom, wife (one day) and though I don't have a set definition for what I think that means, I know that I'm not there yet. I know that every one on the planet has a different definition of what being a 'good' person, or a 'godly' person is to them...and that is mainly because (in my opinion...) God created us with free will. This means that He didn't make us robots that were forced to follow Him. After Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, it was up to every man, woman, and child, to seek God for themselves. God gives us instructions on how to do that in the Bible, but He speaks to each and everyone of us differently. That's why I believe people have different interpretations of what the Bible says, and means to them. It's just like reading a novel. Everyone is spoken to by different parts of that novel, and either "get it" and understand the premise, or don't. (Take for example The Scarlet Letter...I HATED this book. A friend of mine LOVES it. She gathered in completely different aspects of the novel than I did. Does it mean that either of us are wrong...no. No two people are going to read Scripture and be spoken to at the same time, about the same thing. ...And NO I will NOT be reading The Scarelet Letter again to see if I magically get it the second time through...thanks for offering though.)
Regardless of all this, I know that I am not where I want to be in my relationship with God yet. I think I hope never to be. If I arrive at a place where I think that I have finally come close enough to Him, I will become stagnant, and stop growing. And no one wants that.
I want to continue to grow as a person. To continue to see the positive in the dark. To be able to laugh in Satan’s face when he challenges me. Satan is trying to spit in God’s face by attacking me while God is trying to bless me, and I fully intend to spit in Satan’s face instead. I believe that we are most challenged when we are doing God’s will and plan in our lives. I believe that when we are closest to a breakthrough and a blessing that is when we will have the most adversity, as Satan is trying to keep us from receiving that blessing in any way possible.
In the past three years I have lost SO much. I lost my marriage, my grandparents, I have literally had every block of foundation I had laid for my life, swept out from under me. I had laid my foundation on the sand, instead of the rock. (Luke 6:27-49) I have literally had to rebuild my entire life, sense of being, sense of self, and my person all together. I have had to do that IN God.
Back to the main point, I have been reading a few books dealing with women’s “issues”…specifically about dealing with loneliness, hurting, and hungering after God. I was reading a book called “Heart Hunger” earlier written by Cindi McMenamin and I came upon this:
“When we go to Him for refreshment (and love), His stream doesn’t run dry; there’s always enough to satisfy. And when we choose His path to fulfillment, we won’t find ourselves lost and empty.” (pg 21)
I am blown away and overwhelmed by this verse right now. God is SO amazing. He IS faithful. He IS good. He never fails. His love never runs dry. He will always satisfy us when we long for and seek after Him.
I have followed my own path seeking my own fulfillment, and trying to do things my way. It led me to a bitter divorce. It led me to have an ex-husband that is emotionally abusive. It led to scars from that abuse. It led to severe anxiety. It led to everything I never wanted. I remember telling my grandma right after my divorce started that I felt like everything I never wanted, is all that I was getting. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted to be a single mom. I never wanted to be alone.
And I was SO SO SO SO bitter. For a LONG time. That bitterness still creeps up occasionally, but I remember that I am better than that now. I am NOT that old person. My pastor made a comment last weekend about how we need to stop trying to dig up our old person and carry him around with us, because we are NOT that person anymore. God makes us new. THAT is where I draw my strength from.
So in the end, I hope that 2013 is a year of change. A year of thankfulness. A year of spitting in the devils face, because I’m tired of him spitting in mine!
Today...well yesterday (but I am one of those people who considers it still 'today' until I go to sleep, and it's not tomorrow until I wake up for the day lol) Day 3, I am just overcome with gratitude for God's faithfulness.
I posted a couple days ago about goals I have set for 2013. I left one off the list. My main, most important goal this year is to grow closer to God and have a more intimate relationship with Him. I re-dedicated my life to Christ almost two years ago now, and just recently in the past six-ish months have found that hunger for Him, and a need and desire to know Him more.
I want so desperately to become a Godly woman, mom, wife (one day) and though I don't have a set definition for what I think that means, I know that I'm not there yet. I know that every one on the planet has a different definition of what being a 'good' person, or a 'godly' person is to them...and that is mainly because (in my opinion...) God created us with free will. This means that He didn't make us robots that were forced to follow Him. After Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, it was up to every man, woman, and child, to seek God for themselves. God gives us instructions on how to do that in the Bible, but He speaks to each and everyone of us differently. That's why I believe people have different interpretations of what the Bible says, and means to them. It's just like reading a novel. Everyone is spoken to by different parts of that novel, and either "get it" and understand the premise, or don't. (Take for example The Scarlet Letter...I HATED this book. A friend of mine LOVES it. She gathered in completely different aspects of the novel than I did. Does it mean that either of us are wrong...no. No two people are going to read Scripture and be spoken to at the same time, about the same thing. ...And NO I will NOT be reading The Scarelet Letter again to see if I magically get it the second time through...thanks for offering though.)
Regardless of all this, I know that I am not where I want to be in my relationship with God yet. I think I hope never to be. If I arrive at a place where I think that I have finally come close enough to Him, I will become stagnant, and stop growing. And no one wants that.
I want to continue to grow as a person. To continue to see the positive in the dark. To be able to laugh in Satan’s face when he challenges me. Satan is trying to spit in God’s face by attacking me while God is trying to bless me, and I fully intend to spit in Satan’s face instead. I believe that we are most challenged when we are doing God’s will and plan in our lives. I believe that when we are closest to a breakthrough and a blessing that is when we will have the most adversity, as Satan is trying to keep us from receiving that blessing in any way possible.
In the past three years I have lost SO much. I lost my marriage, my grandparents, I have literally had every block of foundation I had laid for my life, swept out from under me. I had laid my foundation on the sand, instead of the rock. (Luke 6:27-49) I have literally had to rebuild my entire life, sense of being, sense of self, and my person all together. I have had to do that IN God.
Back to the main point, I have been reading a few books dealing with women’s “issues”…specifically about dealing with loneliness, hurting, and hungering after God. I was reading a book called “Heart Hunger” earlier written by Cindi McMenamin and I came upon this:
“When we go to Him for refreshment (and love), His stream doesn’t run dry; there’s always enough to satisfy. And when we choose His path to fulfillment, we won’t find ourselves lost and empty.” (pg 21)
I am blown away and overwhelmed by this verse right now. God is SO amazing. He IS faithful. He IS good. He never fails. His love never runs dry. He will always satisfy us when we long for and seek after Him.
I have followed my own path seeking my own fulfillment, and trying to do things my way. It led me to a bitter divorce. It led me to have an ex-husband that is emotionally abusive. It led to scars from that abuse. It led to severe anxiety. It led to everything I never wanted. I remember telling my grandma right after my divorce started that I felt like everything I never wanted, is all that I was getting. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted to be a single mom. I never wanted to be alone.
And I was SO SO SO SO bitter. For a LONG time. That bitterness still creeps up occasionally, but I remember that I am better than that now. I am NOT that old person. My pastor made a comment last weekend about how we need to stop trying to dig up our old person and carry him around with us, because we are NOT that person anymore. God makes us new. THAT is where I draw my strength from.
So in the end, I hope that 2013 is a year of change. A year of thankfulness. A year of spitting in the devils face, because I’m tired of him spitting in mine!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
a brand new world...
A brand new world...or just a brand new year. Whatever works though, right?
I decided that I would start doing a 'thankfulness' type of journal, among other things.
2013, so far, has different ideas for me. But I'm trying to take it all in stride. Less than 24 hours into 2013 I am dealing with personal health issues (still recovering from a tonsilectomy 3 weeks ago), a sick kiddo (possible flu), a car that is not functioning properly, a dad that can fix it but is down with the flu, school starting in less than a week, and my ever present desire to make this year so much more than the last.
So...for Day 1 of 2013 I am thankful that I am able to take this stress in a peaceful manner and know that God has great things in store for me. That the storm comes before the calm, and that I have gotten through the last 3 years, I know without a doubt that I can make it through this stress like it's nothing.
I also have goals for 2013. Not resolutions, because we all break them. I set goals that I WILL accomplish and complete before the end of the year. And if for whatever reason I don't, I am not going to beat myself up over them. I will simply know that I did everything in my power to make them happen.
These goals include (in no particular order):
- Completing two 5k's. Specifically the Color Run 5k's in both Ypslianti and Grand Rapids this summer. (if you have never heard of the Color Run, do yourself a favor and visit their website at http://thecolorrun.com ...I did it last year and had SSSOOO much fun!!!)
- Completing a half marathon in September. Yes...13.1 miles. I know exactly what this entails, and am under no illusions that it is going to be an easy task, but I am well aware of the reward of completing it. And am looking forward to it.
- Blogging on a regular basis. And working on a book (or two...)
- Focusing more on deepening my relationship with God.
- Reading more.
- Losing weight. (obviously I can't train for a half marathon without losing some weight...I have a goal in mind, but will be happy with whatever I end up with. I just want to teach my son healthy habits, and be able to keep up with him, and most importantly be able to stay around as long as possible for him.
I have a few more goals but they're either not super important, or not set in stone, or any variety of reasons why I don't want to post them here. I want to be open and honest, but I also have to cover my rear in certain areas of my life as well. I'm praying that will one day change. Living three steps ahead of someone, or multiple someones, is exhausting at times. And beyond fristrating, but is necessary and warranted at this point in my life.
I decided that I would start doing a 'thankfulness' type of journal, among other things.
2013, so far, has different ideas for me. But I'm trying to take it all in stride. Less than 24 hours into 2013 I am dealing with personal health issues (still recovering from a tonsilectomy 3 weeks ago), a sick kiddo (possible flu), a car that is not functioning properly, a dad that can fix it but is down with the flu, school starting in less than a week, and my ever present desire to make this year so much more than the last.
So...for Day 1 of 2013 I am thankful that I am able to take this stress in a peaceful manner and know that God has great things in store for me. That the storm comes before the calm, and that I have gotten through the last 3 years, I know without a doubt that I can make it through this stress like it's nothing.
I also have goals for 2013. Not resolutions, because we all break them. I set goals that I WILL accomplish and complete before the end of the year. And if for whatever reason I don't, I am not going to beat myself up over them. I will simply know that I did everything in my power to make them happen.
These goals include (in no particular order):
- Completing two 5k's. Specifically the Color Run 5k's in both Ypslianti and Grand Rapids this summer. (if you have never heard of the Color Run, do yourself a favor and visit their website at http://thecolorrun.com ...I did it last year and had SSSOOO much fun!!!)
- Completing a half marathon in September. Yes...13.1 miles. I know exactly what this entails, and am under no illusions that it is going to be an easy task, but I am well aware of the reward of completing it. And am looking forward to it.
- Blogging on a regular basis. And working on a book (or two...)
- Focusing more on deepening my relationship with God.
- Reading more.
- Losing weight. (obviously I can't train for a half marathon without losing some weight...I have a goal in mind, but will be happy with whatever I end up with. I just want to teach my son healthy habits, and be able to keep up with him, and most importantly be able to stay around as long as possible for him.
I have a few more goals but they're either not super important, or not set in stone, or any variety of reasons why I don't want to post them here. I want to be open and honest, but I also have to cover my rear in certain areas of my life as well. I'm praying that will one day change. Living three steps ahead of someone, or multiple someones, is exhausting at times. And beyond fristrating, but is necessary and warranted at this point in my life.
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