It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Or...is it??

Well the answer for me, is NO.

There’s very little snow on the ground, which is NOT a complaint, it just simply doesn’t feel like Christmas to me without snow…watch, Christmas will be the whitest Christmas in my lifetime…

There’s very little cheer this year.  I’m speaking very generally here, though there isn’t much cheer in my life or family, I’ll touch on that later.  I don’t know if it’s just me being more observant and I’m just noticing it more this year, or if it truly is worse this year more than years past, but I just feel very little Christmas cheer coming from people.  I hear/see people rushing to toy stores for the best deals, or trying to get the best toys for their money, or trying to appease everyone on their list by getting them every single toy or item regardless of price.  I hear and see people pepper spraying other shoppers for cutting in line, or simply getting to the store before them.  I can’t help but stop dead in my tracks and think to myself “is THIS was Christmas has become about?!”.  Sadly the answer is a large yes.  I know that not everyone shops in this way or treats people this way, but Christmas has become about so much more than what it should really be about.  

I am not just talking about from a religious stand point either.  I make no bones about my beliefs and I obviously believe that Christmas is about the birth of Christ.  However, I believe that we can ALL agree on the fact that regardless of whether we believe in Christ, or even God, or not, Christmas is supposed to be about family.  When I say it’s about family I mean, spending time with them, baking cookies, making ornaments, decorating the tree, lighting the menorah, telling family stories, snow ball fights, hot cocoa, caroling, all that stuff that we grew up thinking was just SO lame and tedious and boring.  It is NOT about who got who what “great” gift and how much they spent (or saved) on it, or how long they had to stand in line for it or whatever. 

Now I’m not faulting people for getting great deals on great presents, not at ALL.  I commend you.  I am also saying that you should stop giving people gifts, etc.  I am simply voicing my opinion about how over done it has all been and how over commercialized Christmas has become.  If my son was older and he had asked for something that I thought he truly needed or deserved and I could get a great deal on it, I would definitely do it.  But I have NEVER been one of those people to get up at 4 a.m. to go shopping on Black Friday…never plan on being one of those people. 

It just all frustrates me a little that people make the holiday season from November 1^st to December 31^st (and sometimes beyond) so hectic and stressful for themselves…and other people in their families (speaking from experience as a recent divorcee from a family that expected us to be everywhere that they were just because they wanted us there, and then made plans for travelling all over the state, and expected us to follow suit).  I will say this, I believe 100% that the holidays are only as stressful and hectic as you make or let them be.

NOW- it also doesn’t feel like Christmas to me because this is the first Christmas that I won’t have my grandparents for.  I do still have grandparents on my mom’s side, but we have never been close, and have done Christmas in January for years now.

My grandparents on my dad’s side have long been considered the glue to the family.  This has become completely obvious in recent months and in light of recent events.  Without delving into detail (because there’s enough drama in my life for you to read about here, and because I would like to stay out of trouble if anything “comes to light” and is misconstrued), my dad had four siblings, two of them are married, making six…pretty much those six have ganged up on my dad (and my brother, me, and my son) and are being hurtful, spiteful, and downright mean over things such as my grandparents estate.  (We didn’t even get an invite to the “family” Thanksgiving this year, the only reason we got one last year was because my grandma threw a fit that no one had called my dad to make sure he knew when and where it was.)

If I believed at all that my grandparents could care about what was going on I firmly believe that this would all make them sick to their stomachs…and I wouldn’t doubt that they would be paying visits to all six of them.  Not just because of us being attacked and left out (us as in me, my dad, my brother, and my son), but because those six are doing things that my grandparents would be ashamed of, and they know it.   It just sickens me that I’m related to people that can say and do the things that they have done, and be as hypocritical as they have.  I digress though, because they are not worth dwelling on. 

Not having Christmas Eve at my grandparents’ house seems sacrilegious or something…not REALLY, but it’s been a tradition for so long to have family Christmas with my grandparents on Christmas Eve.  We had moved it to my aunts a couple of years ago due to space, I mean you have 16 grandchildren (12 of which have spouses/significant others = 38 grand kids, plus the 5 kids and 2 spouses, 4 adopted…that alone with my grandparents is 51 people that could possibly show up) and then an additional 10 great grandchildren that may be there…we’re looking at the possibility of 60+ people being there…usually it was only around 25ish, but there’s potential for a LARGE crowd.  Unfortunately out of those 60+ people…chances are I will only be talking to MAYBE 30 of them, most of them Facebook only…  THAT my friends, is apparently what happens when people die, people get angry, and bitter, and selfish, and greedy. And don’t care who they hurt in the process.

All in all though, not having my grandparents here is what really hurts.  I remember going caroling with them and the youth group they used to run when I was roughly 8.  I remember making rock candy with my grandma every year, and the way it made the house smell…it’s something that I was debating on making this year, but I have looked at oils no less than 5 times and every time I am thinking about which flavor to get, I find myself putting it back on the shelf, because making it without Grandma’s expertise, well it just isn’t making rock candy to me.  And celebrating Christmas without my grandparents…I can’t bring myself to celebrate much of it at all right now…

"I wish I could slow down time..."

That's the song lyric that's been stuck in my head for the last hour or so since I decided I was going to force myself to sit down and update, and update GOOD.  There's a lot to cover, and I need to get it done with.

Part of the drama, heartbreak, and sheer crazyness that has happened since the June 30th posting about closure, is that my Grandpa passed away.  Yes the husband to the grandma I lost in May.  They were together for 60 years, and though there were various contributors to the death of my grandpa, I think ultimately he just died of a broken heart. 

I will admit, for quite some time I wanted to as well.  I still find myself overcome with greif at random times of random days.  I still sob myself to sleep over never being able to see them on Earth again.  I am devestated that I don't have them to consult on life's big issues, complaint to about the little things, to get their opinion on anything, to pray for me, to laugh with, to just sit with and watch Wheel Of Fortune. 

BUT- the simple fact that I have those memories, and the greater fact that they mean so much to me that I simply want to cry when thinking of them, is such a blessing.  I know many people who never knew their grandparents.  I am finding that I know even fewer people that have relationships similar to mine was with my grandparents, at all.  The fact that I was blessed with 27 short years with those two amazing people, makes me so greatful. 

I am heartbroken that my precious son doesn't get the same experiences that I did with them.  Between my dad and I we are trying to keep some of those experiences going; we're trying to keep their house in the family so he can experience growing up there as well.  It's bittersweet now to be in the house.  It's still one of the few places that I feel truly at peace, but the vivid memories I have of my grandparents there are almost haunting. 

The most heartbreaking thing about it all is the connection that my son had with both of them.  Knowing that connection is never going to be broken gives me peace; but knowing that the form it has now taken is so distant, hurts.  I know that they're checking in on him periodically.  And I know that they always will.  I just can't help but hate that he won't be able to hug them again. 

Gramps passed while I was at a women's retreat through my church.  I told two pastor's wives that I can't be angry about God calling my grandpa home, but I don't have to like it.  I hate it most days.
I hate that they were at my first wedding, and how big of a mess that was and how big of a joke that marriage turned out to be...and that they'll never be able to physically meet my next husband.  They won't be at that wedding.
I hate that neither I nor my son will ever get to hug them again.  We'll never get to hold their hands; hear them laugh; see their smile. 

I will see them again one day though.  And I am overjoyed at that thought.  I believe that they are in Heaven, and that they will meet me when I get there.  And I can't think of a better couple of people to meet me than them.

things that make you go...ooops?

(Ooops...as in I haven't update in such a long time!)
well yet again it's been a VERY long time since I've updated this.  Let's be clear that this by no means that I'm not journaling, or venting, or not super uper duper shmuper busy. :)

I've been so busy with school lately that I've been neglecting things, and while those things do include my journal (both here and my tangible "real" one) I've been downloading a lot lately in an attempt to clear my head, which unfortunately hasn't been helping.  I think just because I have SO much going on and SO much to think through, process through, figure out, work out, make sense of, etc. 

I don't think I have any loyal readers or anything, but I admit that I do sometimes click randomly through blogs and hate when there hasn't been an update in months.  Especially when I get interested in something that was written about, or even the style of writing.

I started this blog as a way to vent.  Writing in a journal or diary (to me diary makes it sound like I'm 8 years old and am writing about nothing but my cat's play habits and what I had for lunch though...)  There are some times in my life that though I don't feel like explaining the entire situation to people anymore, sometimes you need an outside perspective on things...and sometimes you just feel like you KNOW that there are people in the world going through similar situations and if you can tell them how you're handling it all, maybe just maybe you can give them a way to handle their situation that maybe they didn't think about before, or have never explored, or even a way that they've heard of before but never tried.

That is part of the reason why I feel like I need to write a book...one day.  I've always been a writer and always wanted to write, but I always thought that it would be fiction.  I never dreamed until this past year, that I would be write in a non-fiction way.  I kind of like it though.  It's fun, and when you think about it, you can still make up whatever the crap you want and have it be true as long as you claim it is your opinion! LOL
I am struggling with the direction a book would take right now.  If it would be a story about my journey and be more like a biography...or if it would be more like a self help "if you find yourself in this position you can try this" type of book.  I don't know.  In the end I guess it doesn't matter, as long as it's written.  God will sort it all out in the end.  Anyway- I felt the need to write and figured this was the best spot to do it at this particular moment in time. 

it's been a while...

So, I am fully aware that it's been a LONG time since an update has been posted. I am not ready for a full update just yet, but there is one coming SOON. I'm going to work on it over the next few days (and when you read it, you'll understand it all I'm sure). It's been a long summer, and an even longer 19 or so months. I'm trying to keep on top of things here, but life (and death) has gotten in the way more often than not. So, I am still alive, and I am even working on getting you up to date on everything going on with my life. :)

Closure...with a side of frustration...

Well I finally got my crap together and finished writing the letter to my Grandma that I read at her Memorial.  I sobbed through the reading and basically the entire service.  I'm still not okay with her being gone, but somehow reading the letter to her gave me closure and a little bit of peace about her being gone.  I'm able to think about her, and talk about her without wanting to sob my eyes out.  I'll never truly be okay with her not being here, but it's somehow a little easier somehow.

As for everything else I'm dealing with...that isn't getting any easier to deal with.  Honestly, it's pretty discouraging.  I feel alone in everything.  I know I'm not alone, God is always with me and all that, but it's so hard to feel like I have support and be encouraged when I don't have someone physically there for me...to help me; to hold me; to talk to me.  It's just hard.  Being a single parent is the hardest job in the world.  So if any of you are reading this...Thank you; GOOD JOB; and GOD BLESS YOU! Because I feel every bit of your pain!

I am just frustrated lately.  I'm worried about things that a parent should NEVER have to worry about...and I know life isn't fair...but this REALLY isn't fair! 

However, life goes on, and I have confidence that God will bring me peace, and comfort, and HELP, and love in the end.  I just have to be open to seeing that.

avoidance & honesty

so...incase you havent noticed...I've been lacking in updating the blog here at The Broken Fat Chick.  I'd like to apologize for that.  It's been a while...and a lot has certainly happened.

I am off school for the summer, I go back September 27th or something like that.  I did pretty well this year...Have an overall GPA of 3.5  All things considered that's pretty darn good for me.

I'll admit that I've probably been avoiding updating, simply because I don't know how to make sense of some of the things going on in my head.

I've found I've been avoiding a lot of things...

dealing with the death of my grandma
dealing with the stress of the divorce
dealing with the stress of the custody issue (and everything that goes along with it)

I guess really I've just been avoiding the things that are out of my control.

I've been trying to control my anxiety more...as all it does is cause me stomach problems. :(  I guess my job this summer is going to be to deal with and work through all the things that i've been avoiding...yuck.

Have you been avoiding anything??

Little Miss...

Yet another song that's been an anthem of sorts...this one more than the last as of the last couple of weeks...(lyrics below again)

Little miss done on love
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...

Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okayIt'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)

I get a little bit stronger...

I have NEVER liked Sara Evans...Still don't...but this song  is like my anthem right now...(well this and a Sugarland song I'll post later)

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

who I am...

Rather...who AM I? 

As it turns out, there isn't a simple answer for this anymore.  I have to do a speech in my public speaking class, and choose 3 object that represent me in some way, and breifly explain why.  I am finding it REALLY hard to do.  Obviously the Kid is choice 1, and my Tigers bag is a given (we have to pick a bag that is special and means something and represents us in some way and then explain how/why)...I'm finding it hard to find just TWO items that represent me...

It shouldn't be THAT hard should it!?!? 

I'm more than a mom and a Tigers fan......
aren't I?????

I've narrowed it down to a journal for one of the two items left, because it helps me vent, and I love writing, i believe in the art of the written word (HELLLOOOOO English Teacher in the works here!! lol)...etc...

I'm finding it super hard to find a third item that represents me...I initially thought about flip flops and doig a summer theme, but the Tigers bag will do that already and we can't have an item represent more than one "thing"...

WHY is it this hard!?...

What do you think would be three things that represent you???

it makes me want a hotdog real bad

I definately don't want a hot dog...but everytime I want something really bad it makes me think of that quote from Legally Blonde...2 I think?
and I want to watch a baseball game...real bad! lol  Ohhhh speaking of...they just showed some signing news of the Tigers on the news!!!!! I'm so effing excited!!!!

well I finaly got a hold of my lawyer and for a small ($500) fee...he's cancelling the withdrawl.  which would NOT have cancelled the divorce...just would have messed up a few things up in the end.

ugh....its allllll sssssoooo frustrating!!!!  and of course D had to call and fight with me over it all (they sent him a copy of the court date).  In the process of fighting D still can't keep his story straight about why he left, if HE was going to file for divorce, why he took Kid like/when he did,what he was expecting out of it all...and most crappiest of all...when he stopped loving me.  mind you he told me back in Nov that he still loved me, was just over the relationship...now he's saying that he stopped loving me before he even left...just led me on for another 3 months...it's hurtful...but I know that he's just saying all this crap to hurt me because its the only way he can hurt me now.  the only other way is through Kid...but then he has to deal with the court so he won't do that.  whatever...I'm over who he has become and I'm finally to the point where I'm not mourning who he WAS anymore...just what I wanted and dreamed of havging with him and trying to figure out how that all has to change now.  I really wanted my son to know what a family was...I know we still have a family but it's not what I had in mind...so I'm now trying to figure out how it all looks now and what i want out of life and for Kid now.

Anyway...I'm ssssoooooo glad I found the doctor I have right now!!!  I got in to see him today because I needed a couple refills on some prescriptions, but I also neede2d to talk to him about some of my concerns over the PCOS and some other things that I have going on and am concerned about...and he is amazingly one step ahead of me...okay so like 1/2 a step really.  I've been having severe hip pain and pain in my shoulder, elbow and wrist and am concerned because its affecting my ability to life the Kid properly among other heavy items! He immediately brough up Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and Lupus...the exact two things I was goilng to ask him if I should be worried about!!  So I have to go back this week for blood work (didnt have time today as my dad had Kid at Walmart and they were waiting on me lol)...so hopefully we'll get some answers out of this.

In other news...the new quaryter of classes started yesterday...and both my teachers took evvvvvveeeeerrrryyyyyy second of each class.  Which I understand...we're paying a LOT of money for these classes we should get every bit of info out of them that we can...but gggggggooooooooooooddddd LORD am I ready to go home !! My forst class is at 1pm...my second class gets out at 940pm...holy long day!! especially sitting on crappy chairs and hurting my hips! wow.  but my first class is public speaking...definately goilng to be fun! I already had a chance to make an ass of myself...which if you know anything about me doesnt surprise you at ALL! lol.

speaking off...I have like...5,000 pages of reading to do...okay so like 500....*sigh*

(and I still want to watch a baseball game real bad!)