maybe it ISN'T me

What if all of my faults...aren't really faults.  What if they're strengths, but I've never been told?

What if I'm NOT the problem????

It's so hard to go through your life feeling like you're not built to walk the journey alone, yet 28 years later (approaching 29) you are infact still alone.  To still be waiting on that person to complete you, but he's not there yet.  To be told that you just have to wait, but the previous 28 years you've been told nothing but your faults, and had them thrown in your face, and shoved down your throat as to reasons why no one likes you or wants to be with or around you.

You're too fat.

You're too loud.

Too insecure.

Too intimidating.

Too quiet.

Too involved.

Not involved enough.

If you would just mind your own business.

If you would just speak your mind more.

If you cared more what people thought about you.

If you cared less about other people's opinions.

If you trusted more.

If you were less nieve.

If you did more for the environment.

If you put yourself out there more.

If you were just patient.

I can't describe how tired I am of being told that it's my fault...and then when I accept that it's my fault and am willing to accept my faults and acknowledge and sometimes even change them, I'm told not to.  Or that I'm too depressive, or too down on myself, or too whatever.

Maybe the faults that other people see aren't really faults.  Maybe they really are strengths that people that I don't even know yet, will one day appreciate. Just maybe I'm not as screwed up as I think.  Just maybe if I AM more patient it will be worth it. 

Just maybe it won't be though. 
I'm so tired of walking down a lonely road when I feel, and desperately want, possibly even NEED, someone to walk it with me. 

I'm so tired of being strong for everyone else.  I just want someone to be willing to be strong for me, and mean it, and mean it forever. 

I didn't think that was too much to ask...

what hurts the most

I feel like I never shut up about how much I miss my grandparents.  I say it to myself almost daily.  It's not even a cry for attention or anything remotely close to that.  For me, I think part of it is that I just don't "get it" yet.  I do really well at not missing them, until something comes up and I want to see or talk to them.  I see a picture and realize that I haven't seen them in a long time, I should stop by their house...except I'm not even allowed on their old property.  Which in and of itself is devastating for me.  To know that I can't just make a phone call to hear my grandpa's voice.  Or when I want a recipe from my grandma.

Mostly it hurts when I'm having a problem that I know that one of my grandparents would have the answer to. 

Like right now. 
I am not peaceful about something.  I am 100% certain that one of the only people that would have been able to shed light on it, is my grandma. 

I hate the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I realize that I have to figure out things on my own now.  Figure things out without her.  I feel like a tree that has been transplanted.  Only the people that transplanted me forgot half of my root system in the old spot.  When you lose someone you loved that deeply, it truly is like losing a part of your heart.  Not to mention when you lose two people that you loved that deeply.  There is a part of me that feels physical pain when I realize what my grandparents won't be here for.  I know that they're in Heaven, and all that comes with that.  But it doesn't make it hurt any less while it's happening. 

right where I'm supposed to be...

I love making major life changing decisions.  I love it even more when you have an affirmation that whatever decision you made was the absolute right one for you! 

Monday was the start of a new school year for me.  And it was completely re-affirmed that changing my major to Human Services is EXACTLY what I needed to do.  I am actually excited about the future.  I'm going into a career that I am absolutely going to LOVE.  It has the possibility of breaking my heart at times, but I firmly believe that the payout is going to be worth any heartbreak I may endure.

Woops!!!

Well....it's been almost exactly 9 months since I last posted anything.  Sorry?

It's not that I haven't had things to write, I'm pretty sure I'll always have things to write, it's just that for so long I feel like I've been too engrossed in the middle of "this" ...this life, this process, this season of life..."this".   I felt like I was just stuck in the middle with no way out.  There was even a time that I wasn't sure if I would get out, or if that was the new normal for me.  To be in a constant state of chaos. 

Well, I have done a lot over the last nine months.  A lot of healing.  A lot of hurting.  A lot of growing.  A lot of life...unfortunately no the fun side of life, just the boring stuff, like getting a job, staying at home reading, etc.  I wasn't out mountain climbing, or travelling the world, or anything cool like that.  ALTHOUGH...in the last nine months, I blinked and now have a 3 year old!! YIKES.  Bub's birthday was last weekend, and I just can't believe that he's three.  I have a friend who just had a baby three days ago, and everytime I know someone that has a baby I can't help but be thrown back to the precious time that I spent in the hospital with my kiddo. 

I kept telling people at his birthday party that I have no idea where three years went!! ...Truth is that I know exactly where it went.  I just was preventing myself from realizing it.  It went into being a single mom of a six month old, and a bitter, ugly, nasty divorce.  It went into losing myself; and then finding  myself when I made that step to repair my relationship with God.  It went into losing the two most important people that have ever been in my life, my grandparents.  It went into finding a way to cope with losing every single piece of the future I had planned for my life.  And then finding a new future walking with God.  The last three years went into raising my son to be the most loving, happy, amazing, beautiful, funny, active, imaginative three year old that I've ever known.  It went into him.  It went into Him.  It went into me. 

I don't expect everyone to understand.  I don't expect everyone to agree with me.  I don't expect everyone to even care.  And the best part about all that?  Is that three years ago...I would have cared! I would have tried to make everyone understand, and agree with me, and care.  Now??? I don't care.  I don't care if you don't agree with me.  I don't care if you don't understand.  I don't care if you don't care.  I can respectfully disagree with you.  I can respectfully explain my thoughts and believes, but if you don't get it...it's not going to keep me awake at night anymore.

This post turned out way different than what I expected...although I'm not really sure WHAT I expected. lol. 

I may sound like a crazy person...but I feel like I've just got so much inside me that I've got to get out.  I know that I've got so much inside me that needs to be told, and needs to be shared.  God's definately given me the job of sharing my story in some way...just not sure yet what avenue that may take.  I figured a book, but who stinkin' knows?  ;-) 

We'll see as we go!