Broken...

I'm not referring to being broke, as in without money, (even though I am this too), I'm referring to broken. 
reduced to fragments; fragmented

ruptured; torn; fractured.

not functioning properly; out of working order.

weakened in strength, spirit, etc.

Mainly I'm talking aout not functioning properly...my body doesn't do that.  I have PCOS and while it's not technically an auto-immune disorder...it sure as hell acts like one. 

Just to give you an idea, here are some of the symptoms (which are also side effects of PCOS)

acne; oily skin; dandruff; weght gain, mostly around the middle of the stomach giving the "spare tire" appearance, or trouble losig weight; excess hair, call hirsutism, usually very dark and course, on face, body, chest, bell, thumbs, toes, and back; thinning hair on scalp, also known as male pattern baldness; skin tags, which are excess flaps of skin usually in the armpit or groin; depression; anxiety; mood swings; irregular periods; heaving bleeding; patches of dark skin on back of neck, under arms and in the groin; fatigue; hgh blood pressure; high cholesterol; pelvic pain; sleep apnea or problems breathing while sleeping; difficulty falling asleep; diabetes; insulin resistance; and infertility.

Now thankfully I don't have ALL these symptoms, but I do have quite a few.  And they make life a living hell some days.  They make me not fun to be around some days.  They make me feel like I'm crazy on some days.  They make me feel ugly.  They make me feel useless.  They make me feel worthless.

When you're body is attacking itself and making itself sick it's hard to feel anything but broken and worthless. 

It's even harder to feel good about yourself when you are going through a divorce and realize that now you have to try to find someone else that's going to love you for the broken person that you are, regardless of how badly you'd like to be the full, vibrant, properly working version of yourself.

I have a hard time believing that I'm going to get a second chance at love.  Let's face it, guys want gorgeous movie stars, not broken fat chicks.

Which as you can see...I'm also broken in strength and spirit right now too.  Divorce sucks. 

Summer...

Oh how I miss thee...Oh how I love thee...

"UGGGGHHHHH I MISS FLIP FLOP WEATHER!!!" I said to myself, pulling my coat up over my face, walking through the wind and flurries as I entered the grocery store today.

I could litterally write for days on how much I miss nice weather.  I miss wearing flip flops, or going barefoot...and NOT having my toes freeze even inside! (as I type this I'm mentally trying to remember where my stupid slipper are because my toes are freezing...got 'em!) 

I've had a mental countdown to Spring going since about...October? Now for those of you that don't know...Spring in Michigan doesn't mean warm weather, but it makes me feel better!  Now because Spring is March 23, that is SSSOOO far away to me!...I'm now counting down to Tigers Spring training games...the first of which is February 25th! ;c)  That isn't SO far away in those terms. 

And considering Summer of 2010 SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEEEEDDDDDD.  I'm REALLY looking forward to Summer 2011. 

where can we go from here?

So...I originally made this blog because I was tired of not having an outlet for my frutrations dealing with the divorce, and while that hasn't really changed, the frustrations have changed.  As in, I'm over HIM, but not over the things that have been said and done. 

So, ultimately I guess this is going to be a blog about my frustrations of everything...being a Mama, being in school, and dealing with life.  Which unfortunately deals with a divorce right now.  I'm not sure why I felt the need to clarify things with this post, but here it is. I'm not even sure who will ever REALLY read this blog...I've had a lot of visitors so far...well more than I've expected anyways...but I have a feeling that most of them were just scanning through blogs.  Which is fine, just doesn't leave me a lot of hope that many people are going to come back lol. We'll see though...

Merry Christmas to me...

So the verdict is that my kid needs WWWWAAAAYYYYY cooler presents for Christmas next year...like ones I can play with while he's at his dad...cause the books this year just aren't cutting it! LOL.

I really would have loved to have done more for him, but things are rough around here and honestly he's lucky he got what he did...and he doesn't know the difference anyway!  So I don't feel as bad as I could.

The down side of the day, is that he left at noon and won't be back until 6p.m. tomorrow night, and I get BORED without him here.  Especially when I'm not in school (I go back in 3 weeks!). 

To kill some time today I decided to take a nap.  I woke up after about an hour to go pee, and decided I'd lay back down for a little while...never should have done that.  I had a stupid (litterally stupid, and very random) dream about my ex. 

Now...the last post was about how I wasn't over him yet.  Let me fill you in a little bit.  Litterally as I was writing that post, and for a few minutes after, I was arguing via text with him about our relationship and how it ended and if there were any feelings left etc.  He's one of those guys that when he gets hurt he shuts down, and won't talk to anyone.  If he does talk, he's very good at saying the "right" thing, and in this case the "right" thing to him, was to tell me that he didn't love me anymore, was over me from the time he first walked out (mind you, he walked out March 1st...I didn't file until July 29th.  I didn't file for divorce because we were supposed to be working things out...) and basically told me that I just needed to get over it and move on because he had.  Well...I've known him since 2005...I knew him better than he knew himself.  Litterally.  We were the cliche.  I could tell something was wrong with him and normally knew what it was before he could or would identify what it was.  So I've learned how to read him, and I can usually know when he's putting up a front.  And I'm (still) convinced that he's putting up a front, and is just so hurt that I actually filed that he just gave up. 

However, in the course of this argument, something clicked and I'm over him.  I had my "light bulb moment" and it finally washed over me, that if he's not willing to put in an effort after all the opportunities I've given him, and after all this if he's still willing to choose his backstabbing family over the best things that have ever happened to him (all arrogance aside, I was the best thing to happen to him until our son...he and his family have even said it) then I'm done.  Done done done.  I'm done wasting my time crying over someone who doesn't give a shit about me anymore, and can't get it through his head that he should, or still does and if he just admitted it we could get on with our lives together. 

I WAS dreaming about him probably every other dream...so that averages out to like 3-4 times a night...everynight.  Hard to get over someone when you're dreaming that you're working it out and that his family wants you to. 

After that conversation and realization Tuesday, I haven't dreamed about him since...

...until this afternoon...

...and I woke up PISSED off and emotional about it.

I dreamed that we were exchanging our son (like we did today) but we were at my dad's house (which isn't abnormal for me to dream I'm there because that's the house I grew up in) and he was with his brother (A), sister in law (C), mom (B), and stepdad (R).  The part of the dream that ...annoys? frustrates? bothers?...me the most is that his brother and sister in law were trying to get us back together.  These are the two peope right before I filed that were trying to counsel us (no...neither of them are counselors...and no we didn't trust them enough to confide in them with much of anything) and help us work our problems out and she would ask me every time I saw her how I and we were doing, etc. 

It bothers me both that they did it in real life, and in the dream, because I have a very rocky background with them.  When D and I started dating, we had been together for 3 months when we moved in together (yeah yeah...spare me the lectures k? lol). When I moved in with him, he was living in an apartment with A & C.  So the four of us lived together, for two months.  It was not a pretty thing.  A & C had JUST gotten back together for the countless time, C had JUST broken off her engagement with her ex to get back together with A and didn't know how to tell her parents, so that was interesting. I didn't exactly get along with A & C. 

There was an incident that happened one day where I drove our car over some rocks (boulders actually...and shrubs lol) on my way to work and A saw me do it, he came up to work to make sure I was ok and we had this conversation about how he cared about me like a sister already and wanted to make sure I was alright, etc. 
About 2 weeks later he told D that he should "get rid of me" ...and it was over something stupid, like the fact that I didn't tolerate the attitudes I was getting from A & C very well...well come to find out the conversation between A & D, was not the only time, or family member, that told D to break up with me.  Come to find out his grandparents, and mom had (and have ...repeatedly) told him simliar things.  That maybe I wasn't so good for him after all type of crap.  There have been several incidents between me and A & C over the years...(including my best friend N walking in on them talking crap about me at mine and D's wedding and C talking crap about the wedding in general)  So needless to say anymore, I'm not such a fan of them.  And we won't even go into the incidents involving me and B and the grandparents...

Well A & C are now heavily involved in church, A got saved and I think baptized two summers ago, they're trying to preach to me and D and B and everyone else...all the while I still have not seen a change in the way that they treat each other, or anyone else for that matter.  I haven't seen or heard any remorse for the things that have happened in the past, etc.  And that sticks with me the most.  I get that you're trying to change, I do, but if you're trying to change, you need to acknowledge the things in your past and repent for them as well...and an apology to the people that you hurt in the process wouldn't hurt either.

So seeing A & C trying to push D & I back together is a little...weird? stupid? I don't know. 

Anyway to the point I was originally going to write about...We got back together in my dream today, and A & C were BOTH really excited about it.  As was D.  It made me emotional and pissed because, well I'm pissed that I'm dreaming about him again because I just want to stop.  I want to be completely over him.  If he's over me or is acting like he's over me (either way I'm done and want to be done caring) then I'm done.  I'm tired of reliving something that isn't going to happen. 

And I'm emotional about it, because I have so much that I want to get off my chest to THEM.  But I am never going to be able to.  D has said all he feels he needs to say to me and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say to him.  When I have something that I'm frustrated about, hurt by or about, or trying to make sense of...if I can't talk to the person that I'm in the situation with and talk it through with them, it sticks with me...I'm working on not being that person, but I'm not yet...so I'm still dwelling on things...and I'm SSSSOOOOOO tired of it...ugh. 

Anyway- this turned out WWWWWAAAAAAYYYYYY longer than I intended, so I'm going to end with Have a good night!  Hope all of you had a Merry Christmas!

Customary Welcome and Introduction

Hi! Welcome to my page! Fair warning, I've decided that this is going to be a venting spot, so if you don't want to hear...err read it...turn away now. 

If you're going to stick around, you're in for a wild ride I'm sure. 

Things have turned pretty shitty in my life in the last 9-12 months.  My husband left me with our then 6 month old, living in the living room (ironic I know) of my mom's apartment, with no income, and lots of anger.  I am no longer living in the living room, however I am still with my mom, which turns out is a saving grace for her as much as it has been for me, seeing as she lost her job the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and her car broke down the next day.  So we're helping each other out now.  Where it WAS just her helping me out, and I am NOT a mooch (I buy my own groceries, cook my own meals, do my own laundry, pay for my own gas for my own car, find other people to babysit when I need, etc) I did feel like I was mooching simply because of the circumstances. 

I'm going to school to be a high school teacher...yes I'm aware how crazy that is, especially since I HATED high school...however teaching is one of the few things I've always felt I was meant to do.  My major is English and my minor is History, even though I don't particularly want to teach either of those subjects...I really wish I could just teach Creative Writing and Public Speaking, however you need to teach English to teach those two so whatever.  And English comes easily to me, it's what I've always excelled at and I enjoy most of it.  It's going to take me roughly another 4 1/2 years to finish my degree, but I'm looking forward to it!  Which brings me to something else...the pictures along the side <-- are pictures that I like, love, enjoy, inspire me, stand for, etc.  Ireland is ALL of the above.  I decided that a trip to Ireland is going to be my graduation present to myself when I do graduate...so that's there to remind me of one of the MANY things I'm working towards! :c)

My son is a little over a year old now (almost 16 months to be exact) and is the absolute light of my life and reason for living.  With as much SHIT as I've had thrown at me in the last 9 months, if it weren't for him I litterally would not have gotten out of bed or done half the things I have.  I saw 9 long, LONG, days without him, without being able to hug, kiss, hold, talk to or even see him, and it was NOT a pretty picture. 
He's the smartest kid I know I swear.  I'm seeing glimpses of terrible two's already and while they're not pretty, thankfully I'm more patient than I realized. (They say it's a virtue...well it's a virtue I wan't blessed with!)

Anyway, it's late here, and the kid will be up before I'd like him to be (although thankfully he's one of those kids that sleeps through the night, and is generally a late sleeper...like sleeps until after 9! I'm SSSOOO lucky!! I am NOT a morning person!) SO thanks for visiting and come back again soon!