So the verdict is that my kid needs WWWWAAAAYYYYY cooler presents for Christmas next year...like ones I can play with while he's at his dad...cause the books this year just aren't cutting it! LOL.
I really would have loved to have done more for him, but things are rough around here and honestly he's lucky he got what he did...and he doesn't know the difference anyway! So I don't feel as bad as I could.
The down side of the day, is that he left at noon and won't be back until 6p.m. tomorrow night, and I get BORED without him here. Especially when I'm not in school (I go back in 3 weeks!).
To kill some time today I decided to take a nap. I woke up after about an hour to go pee, and decided I'd lay back down for a little while...never should have done that. I had a stupid (litterally stupid, and very random) dream about my ex.
Now...the last post was about how I wasn't over him yet. Let me fill you in a little bit. Litterally as I was writing that post, and for a few minutes after, I was arguing via text with him about our relationship and how it ended and if there were any feelings left etc. He's one of those guys that when he gets hurt he shuts down, and won't talk to anyone. If he does talk, he's very good at saying the "right" thing, and in this case the "right" thing to him, was to tell me that he didn't love me anymore, was over me from the time he first walked out (mind you, he walked out March 1st...I didn't file until July 29th. I didn't file for divorce because we were supposed to be working things out...) and basically told me that I just needed to get over it and move on because he had. Well...I've known him since 2005...I knew him better than he knew himself. Litterally. We were the cliche. I could tell something was wrong with him and normally knew what it was before he could or would identify what it was. So I've learned how to read him, and I can usually know when he's putting up a front. And I'm (still) convinced that he's putting up a front, and is just so hurt that I actually filed that he just gave up.
However, in the course of this argument, something clicked and I'm over him. I had my "light bulb moment" and it finally washed over me, that if he's not willing to put in an effort after all the opportunities I've given him, and after all this if he's still willing to choose his backstabbing family over the best things that have ever happened to him (all arrogance aside, I was the best thing to happen to him until our son...he and his family have even said it) then I'm done. Done done done. I'm done wasting my time crying over someone who doesn't give a shit about me anymore, and can't get it through his head that he should, or still does and if he just admitted it we could get on with our lives together.
I WAS dreaming about him probably every other dream...so that averages out to like 3-4 times a night...everynight. Hard to get over someone when you're dreaming that you're working it out and that his family wants you to.
After that conversation and realization Tuesday, I haven't dreamed about him since...
...until this afternoon...
...and I woke up PISSED off and emotional about it.
I dreamed that we were exchanging our son (like we did today) but we were at my dad's house (which isn't abnormal for me to dream I'm there because that's the house I grew up in) and he was with his brother (A), sister in law (C), mom (B), and stepdad (R). The part of the dream that ...annoys? frustrates? bothers?...me the most is that his brother and sister in law were trying to get us back together. These are the two peope right before I filed that were trying to counsel us (no...neither of them are counselors...and no we didn't trust them enough to confide in them with much of anything) and help us work our problems out and she would ask me every time I saw her how I and we were doing, etc.
It bothers me both that they did it in real life, and in the dream, because I have a very rocky background with them. When D and I started dating, we had been together for 3 months when we moved in together (yeah yeah...spare me the lectures k? lol). When I moved in with him, he was living in an apartment with A & C. So the four of us lived together, for two months. It was not a pretty thing. A & C had JUST gotten back together for the countless time, C had JUST broken off her engagement with her ex to get back together with A and didn't know how to tell her parents, so that was interesting. I didn't exactly get along with A & C.
There was an incident that happened one day where I drove our car over some rocks (boulders actually...and shrubs lol) on my way to work and A saw me do it, he came up to work to make sure I was ok and we had this conversation about how he cared about me like a sister already and wanted to make sure I was alright, etc.
About 2 weeks later he told D that he should "get rid of me" ...and it was over something stupid, like the fact that I didn't tolerate the attitudes I was getting from A & C very well...well come to find out the conversation between A & D, was not the only time, or family member, that told D to break up with me. Come to find out his grandparents, and mom had (and have ...repeatedly) told him simliar things. That maybe I wasn't so good for him after all type of crap. There have been several incidents between me and A & C over the years...(including my best friend N walking in on them talking crap about me at mine and D's wedding and C talking crap about the wedding in general) So needless to say anymore, I'm not such a fan of them. And we won't even go into the incidents involving me and B and the grandparents...
Well A & C are now heavily involved in church, A got saved and I think baptized two summers ago, they're trying to preach to me and D and B and everyone else...all the while I still have not seen a change in the way that they treat each other, or anyone else for that matter. I haven't seen or heard any remorse for the things that have happened in the past, etc. And that sticks with me the most. I get that you're trying to change, I do, but if you're trying to change, you need to acknowledge the things in your past and repent for them as well...and an apology to the people that you hurt in the process wouldn't hurt either.
So seeing A & C trying to push D & I back together is a little...weird? stupid? I don't know.
Anyway to the point I was originally going to write about...We got back together in my dream today, and A & C were BOTH really excited about it. As was D. It made me emotional and pissed because, well I'm pissed that I'm dreaming about him again because I just want to stop. I want to be completely over him. If he's over me or is acting like he's over me (either way I'm done and want to be done caring) then I'm done. I'm tired of reliving something that isn't going to happen.
And I'm emotional about it, because I have so much that I want to get off my chest to THEM. But I am never going to be able to. D has said all he feels he needs to say to me and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say to him. When I have something that I'm frustrated about, hurt by or about, or trying to make sense of...if I can't talk to the person that I'm in the situation with and talk it through with them, it sticks with me...I'm working on not being that person, but I'm not yet...so I'm still dwelling on things...and I'm SSSSOOOOOO tired of it...ugh.
Anyway- this turned out WWWWWAAAAAAYYYYYY longer than I intended, so I'm going to end with Have a good night! Hope all of you had a Merry Christmas!
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