Today...well yesterday (but I am one of those people who considers it still 'today' until I go to sleep, and it's not tomorrow until I wake up for the day lol) Day 3, I am just overcome with gratitude for God's faithfulness.
I posted a couple days ago about goals I have set for 2013. I left one off the list. My main, most important goal this year is to grow closer to God and have a more intimate relationship with Him. I re-dedicated my life to Christ almost two years ago now, and just recently in the past six-ish months have found that hunger for Him, and a need and desire to know Him more.
I want so desperately to become a Godly woman, mom, wife (one day) and though I don't have a set definition for what I think that means, I know that I'm not there yet. I know that every one on the planet has a different definition of what being a 'good' person, or a 'godly' person is to them...and that is mainly because (in my opinion...) God created us with free will. This means that He didn't make us robots that were forced to follow Him. After Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, it was up to every man, woman, and child, to seek God for themselves. God gives us instructions on how to do that in the Bible, but He speaks to each and everyone of us differently. That's why I believe people have different interpretations of what the Bible says, and means to them. It's just like reading a novel. Everyone is spoken to by different parts of that novel, and either "get it" and understand the premise, or don't. (Take for example The Scarlet Letter...I HATED this book. A friend of mine LOVES it. She gathered in completely different aspects of the novel than I did. Does it mean that either of us are wrong...no. No two people are going to read Scripture and be spoken to at the same time, about the same thing. ...And NO I will NOT be reading The Scarelet Letter again to see if I magically get it the second time through...thanks for offering though.)
Regardless of all this, I know that I am not where I want to be in my relationship with God yet. I think I hope never to be. If I arrive at a place where I think that I have finally come close enough to Him, I will become stagnant, and stop growing. And no one wants that.
I want to continue to grow as a person. To continue to see the positive in the dark. To be able to laugh in Satan’s face when he challenges me. Satan is trying to spit in God’s face by attacking me while God is trying to bless me, and I fully intend to spit in Satan’s face instead. I believe that we are most challenged when we are doing God’s will and plan in our lives. I believe that when we are closest to a breakthrough and a blessing that is when we will have the most adversity, as Satan is trying to keep us from receiving that blessing in any way possible.
In the past three years I have lost SO much. I lost my marriage, my grandparents, I have literally had every block of foundation I had laid for my life, swept out from under me. I had laid my foundation on the sand, instead of the rock. (Luke 6:27-49) I have literally had to rebuild my entire life, sense of being, sense of self, and my person all together. I have had to do that IN God.
Back to the main point, I have been reading a few books dealing with women’s “issues”…specifically about dealing with loneliness, hurting, and hungering after God. I was reading a book called “Heart Hunger” earlier written by Cindi McMenamin and I came upon this:
“When we go to Him for refreshment (and love), His stream doesn’t run dry; there’s always enough to satisfy. And when we choose His path to fulfillment, we won’t find ourselves lost and empty.” (pg 21)
I am blown away and overwhelmed by this verse right now. God is SO amazing. He IS faithful. He IS good. He never fails. His love never runs dry. He will always satisfy us when we long for and seek after Him.
I have followed my own path seeking my own fulfillment, and trying to do things my way. It led me to a bitter divorce. It led me to have an ex-husband that is emotionally abusive. It led to scars from that abuse. It led to severe anxiety. It led to everything I never wanted. I remember telling my grandma right after my divorce started that I felt like everything I never wanted, is all that I was getting. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted to be a single mom. I never wanted to be alone.
And I was SO SO SO SO bitter. For a LONG time. That bitterness still creeps up occasionally, but I remember that I am better than that now. I am NOT that old person. My pastor made a comment last weekend about how we need to stop trying to dig up our old person and carry him around with us, because we are NOT that person anymore. God makes us new. THAT is where I draw my strength from.
So in the end, I hope that 2013 is a year of change. A year of thankfulness. A year of spitting in the devils face, because I’m tired of him spitting in mine!
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